The Domesticated Goddess

There is so much pressure these days for women to do it all. Work, cook, clean, and look hot doing it all. I wasn’t raised in a traditional nuclear family. Most people have parents that carried out their respective roles, dad brings home the bacon and mom cooks it. Though with our generation it’s not uncommon that a good percentage of us were raised by a single parent.

I’m a .5 generation Korean American, so for me to be raised by a single-mom is almost like taboo in our culture. It’s more accepted now, however when I was growing up, there was a stigma against my mom. She was judged by the other married women, some wouldn’t even let their kids play with us because we weren’t considered wholesome. I didn’t really know any better than what I had growing up, so I never saw my single-parent as a problem. She worked, we went to school, she came home-made dinner, we came home did homework, ate, watched TV and went to bed. My sister and I were extremely responsible kids, waking up by our selves while mom hurried out the door by 7am. We walked about 2 miles to school and walked home when school let out. We occupied our time until mom got home then she would be angry that she had to cook, but she did for the sake of feeding us, though I do remember going to sleep hungry quite often. I never blamed or resented my mom for the kind of childhood I had, instead I looked up to her hard work and recognized that other families have a mom and a dad, and the reason why I don’t have a dad was beyond me at that point.

My mom didn’t have the time to take us girls in the kitchen to teach us how to cook. Instead, she filled up our schedule with tap dancing, ballet, piano, flute, and after school classes so that she would have the time to go run her errands while we were preoccupied with our activities. She never preached to me that I would have to be a good wife some day, instead she let me know that I have to always protect myself and secure my own future no matter the circumstance. She never forced me to help her in the kitchen, instead she watched me as I joyously scarfed down her delicious meals. She never told me that I had to be good at cooking or cleaning, just that I needed to take good care of myself inside and out.

Now that I’m 24 and in a pretty committed relationship, we’re starting to get down to the nitty gritty. Who’s going to cook and who’s going to clean? Personally, I’d rather not to both, but if you want to play to my strengths, then definitely let me clean. But that’s not ok with him. I have to cook. He wonders if I’ll ever acquire the skills needed to craft a delicious meal and he questions my ability to take care of anyone beyond myself.

Our new thing now is to cook dinner on Saturday nights. So far we’ve made pizza, beef stew, and jambalaya. They all came out pretty good but I don’t really consider that cooking. It was just chop chop, stir stir, simmer and bam! Dinner is served.

I honestly don’t know how some women do it. Work 10 hours, come home cook dinner, clean up and still love life.  It sounds extremely unappealing to me, and it’s not that I expect my mate to assume those responsibilities… I guess it’s just a part of growing up and I have about 5 years before I really have to cave in to domestication. Until then, it’s me, myself and the only thing I do know how to cook, eggs.

20 Something Career Girl Rule #3

3. Never show weakness

Emotional, physical and intellectual. At work they call me Minja, this was coined by the VP after hearing people call me ‘ninja,’ he said ‘Ninja? No, she’s Minja.’ And so Minja was born. I consider myself to be a huge resource that any of the executives can pull from. They can ask me a question and I will provide them with an answer and three credible sources. I take huge pride in my every day work product and when I put extra effort in a proposal that would bring the company huge amounts of revenue, I basically take it to bed with me at night and wake up with all kinds of ideas to improve our response.

About a month ago, we had the opportunity to propose on a huge project in San Francisco. We don’t have a huge presence in Northern California so in effort to expand our market, we decide to propose on this project. From the day they decided to pursue, I had exactly 10 days to respond to a RFP that was completely new to me. From that day forward, I worked 12 hour days, and when an addenda was issued, extending the deadline another week, I worked five more 12 hour days to create a completely original response.

I knew we had very little chance of being shortlisted, and usually I don’t get emotionally connected to anything I produce, but I couldn’t help but get involved with this one, emotionally involved, that is. I patiently waited for the short list award and finally after about 3 weeks of deliberation, I find out that MY response was disqualified. OMG, DISQUALIFIED!!!! The VP was piiissssseed. I’ve only seen his neck vein pop out a couple times before and never as pronounced as it was that morning.

Being disqualified is like taboo in my position. My job is to prepare a responsive proposal to the requesting authority, and when we are deemed unresponsive, that means I didn’t do my job correctly. I comb through every single request to ensure that I am responding to every single question with more than enough information to show how qualified we are. The job starts with the proposal. When I show how great we are on paper, and we are awarded the project, then it’s up to the company to prove that we go beyond what we proposed.

In the three years I’ve been with the Company, I’ve never been disqualified. Disqualified = total fail. I’ve seen our other coordinator go down burning in flames because he was disqualified from three proposals in a row. Disqualified means you suck. So I took a huge hit when I found out that I was disqualified. I could feel the water welling up in my eyes, and my face turning red from the humiliation. I held my tears back and just said ‘well, we need to find out why we were disqualified… I did my best.’ To that the VP and Principal acknowledged my hard work and told me to set up a debrief.

I schlepped back to my desk completely defeated, my first disqualification. I wanted to cry. I didn’t, but I wanted to. I thought about all the women who had been seen crying at least once, and how their image is completely shattered by showing that emotion, weakness.  It became clear to me why women have such a hard time climbing the corporate ladder, it’s because we care too much about things we can’t control. And we cry.

The debrief was set up for the next day. By that time I scoured our response and could not find one thing that I questioned if I responded inaccurately. On the phone we had one representatives from the City of San Francisco and another from the Human Resource Commission. They explained what exactly it was that deemed us unresponsive. We were disqualified due to a technicality. The Principal and Director of DB defended our response to no avail.  Just before we hung up, the Principal basically calls them idiots and says that we will be protesting the award of the contract. Then he storms out of the office yelling ‘Socialists!’

We were screwed on a technicality which made me feel better because it wasn’t necessarily anything that I could have known, unless having failed once before. Sometimes I feel like I should have known to interpret the question the way they intended, but in reality, it went beyond the dictation. It was a mistake I had to make.

All of us 20-something career hungry young adults are learning through our failures, JK Rowling says it best in her speech below.

The Fringe Benefits of Failure

20 Something Career Girl Rule #2

2. Mastering a faux laugh.

In the three years that I’ve been with my current company, I’ve really been able to master the faux laugh. The faux laugh is one that you need to force or fake because 1. whatever the person you are talking to said is not funny and there’s nothing more awkward than silence or 2. the person you are talking to is full of shit but he/she’s your superior so you are obligated to contribute to the boisterous conversation by “laughing” at their jokes.

I had a really hard time getting one down, but like anything, with practice comes perfection. Sometimes I can’t even tell if I’m really laughing or I’m faking it, yes I’m that good. LOL, jk.  I work in a classic corporate setting, you have your executives (Caucasian middle age male), directors (predominantly male), project managers (male), and then your administrative staff (100% female).  I’m not exactly administrative, however I do identify more with the girls than I do with the project managers or anyone else at that matter.

I remember when I first started out, fresh out of college, I was uninterested in my job, I was highly depressed about not being able to ditch work the way I would ditch class on a bright sunny day. I would be included in endless meetings that I didn’t know what they were talking about and the one thing that I zeroed in on during those meetings was that I needed to be laughing when other people were laughing.

I tried a few out on my boyfriend to see if he would notice the difference between a genuine and fabricated laugh. He immediately picked up on the fake one the first couple times but after some practice I was golden.

At one point in everyone’s life, you learn that you need to be able to laugh at yourself to be comfortable in society. I’m applying it to a large scale because it seems that laughter is required in every setting that I can think of. Laughter makes everything ok, even when it shouldn’t be ok.  I can go on an entire other tangent on why laughter in society but I’ll save it for another day.

I wont be that girl

That girl that can only be described as one word, crazy. We’ve all either been one or known one before. That girl, she’s crazy, manipulative, paranoid, obsessive, controlling, petty, she lacks confidence, she picks fights, makes excuses, diverts blame and doesn’t own up to her own ridiculous behavior.

I’ll be the first one to admit that I’ve been that girl before. My previous boyfriend drove me absolutely crazy. I was immature, inexperienced, I wanted to control every thing. I tried to control him, our relationship and because nothing was ever the way I wanted it to be, I finally surrendered. We ended things amicably and now in retrospect I see my foolish behavior and I see where I was wrong and where I was right. The most important thing I took from that relationship is that that girl is someone I will never be again. I will never lose myself in a man, and never let a relationship identify who I am. I will never let my relationship consume 100% of my energy and let it blind me from what is truly in front of me.

No more excuses, I’m taking things at face value, I will never be that girl again.

HB 5K, I’m coming to get you!

Overall I think I did pretty well. Had I trained just a smidge, I know I could have done it a couple minutes faster, but aside from that, not too bad!

Overall: 759 out of 2494

Women: 340 out of 1636

F 19-24: 46 out of 121

Finish 31:12 Pace:  10:03

See you at the Cypress 10k next!

i’m running to catch up again
jumping higher and flying more often than not
Your trampoline has got holes in it but i can still see the top
Let me climb aboard and sample some of next year’s fashion
I’ll wear the coat if you can put the hat on, i will wear the coat,
Just let me clear my throat
so i can say what’s been delayed away

Let me crawl into your lap and just lay here for awhile
Satisfied by your seduction like a handshake would do the job
Never know how long i have waited
anticipated your smile to be pressed against mine
your smile pressed against mine
Well i feel it
and i’m gonna settle tight

Suppressing Valentines Day

I’ve always been the girl who looked forward to Valentines day, then again, I’ve also always been the girl who always had someone on Valentines day. I always looked forward to the gifts and flowers and feeling even more special than I already do when I’m with my significant other. I looked forward to the nice dinners, and the kind gestures that my boyfriend would not ordinarily do. I loved Valentines day because it was the one day that we could both set our differences aside and celebrate love and our relationship and remind ourselves of why we stayed together.

I’m noticing that as I’m moving into the “mid-” 20s category, Valentines day has become so complex with feelings and emotions that I’m starting to just suppress it all. We’re getting to that age where there is no more innocence, we’ve all been tainted or ruined by past love affairs, we no longer give the ‘benefit of a doubt,’ and we no longer wear our heart out on our sleeves, the way we once did when we were 16-21. I’m wondering though, is there such thing as moving past those happenings, and starting anew? Or is it that every time something traumatic happens, it’s time to cut your losses and move on? That’s the complicated thing about being in your 20s and even early 30s. You have options, there are plenty of opportunities, you’re not tethered down or bound by contractual agreements. My boyfriend could walk out on me and there would be absolutely no collateral damage that would affect him. No kids, no pets, just a toothbrush and some clothes. So what keeps us coming back for more? I guess that would be love. The inexplicable synchronization of our actions and emotions. The thing that so many of us just know exists. I guess that’s it.

Social Media

I am so horrible at keeping up with all the different types of social media these days. I can’t even completely commit to this blog.  I’m probably one of the only 20 something career girls that does not have an iphone or blackberry, and really doesn’t have any interest in getting one. I hate being accessible, and because I’m a ‘proactive’ type of person, I believe that being constantly connected would ultimately lead to my admittance into the psych ward. Ok, maybe not, but still. Sometimes I think I want a iberry, mostly when I’m standing in line at the grocery store or when I’m lost trying to get to South Coast Plaza. But then I see all my peers, constantly checking their phone, emails, facebook, whatever, and I’m sure it’s great, feeling that important, but honestly, I think it’s rude. I’ll be in the middle of a conversation and Peaches will just whip out their phone, all nonchalant, and start giggling because someone posted something on their wall. (Side note: Peaches is the name of my cat, and for lack of brain power, I’ll be using his name as a placeholder for many things to come). My resistance might also come from the fact that I’m hooked up to a computer for 9-12 hours a day. I’m lucky enough to have a office job that doesn’t have crazy high security settings. I can go on Urban Dictionary and find that my name is another word given for the Vagina, and I won’t get any security alerts. At the end of a long day at work, the last thing I want to do is check my phone to see if my attention is needed anywhere other than the gym, or at home in bed.  I’m sure I will eventually surrender and maybe then I’ll be better with keeping up with old friends on FB and updating my blog. Until then, if anyone reads this, I apologize in advance for my lack of posting.

Music I’m Listening to Now

an oldie but a goodie…

20 Something Career Girl Rule #1

1. Do not get involved in office politics.

I’ve been working as a Marketing Coordinator in the A/E/C for almost three years now. I started at this company as a temp employee about two weeks before I graduated college. I was the temp worker for my now boss, Director of Business Development, who was going on maternity leave. Her water broke 4 weeks early, and there I was working part time, still unsure of what I wanted to do upon commencement.  I was literally thrown into the A/E/C, with absolutely no idea what to do, I had no one to train me, and I suddenly felt like a guppy in great pacific ocean.  If there is one thing that I know is completely true of myself, it is that I am a survivalist. 

As a newbie I learned quickly to never get involved in office/corporate politics. My first stint with corporate drama was when someone made a comment about how closely I was working with a certain coworker, though I never got into it with that person, or even confronted the situation, that is when I realized that these women talk, and if you don’t speak up, they will speak for you.  It’s so easy too. It’s so easy to get sucked into the gossip and the drama and the frustrations, especially when you consider some of your coworkers your friends. Sometimes I’m offended by the comments, other times I agree and actively participate.  My mother always taught me to never, EVER, trust anyone at work. Not even if they aren’t in your department. It doesn’t matter, trust no one.

Sometimes the tension is so high that I feel like I’m in the movie Mean Girls, when Cady turns into a bob cat, and the cafeteria turns in to room filled with wild animals that are attacking each other. Though at the end of the day, I don’t think these women actually hate each other, or that they would really want anything bad to happen to them. 

For now, I’m still figuring out how to stay out of the drama, but not be left behind, if anyone can offer any advice, that’d be great. Maybe that’s something I can ask my mentor. hmm…

“I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy…”

The Awakening by Sonny Caroll

The Awakening by Sonny Caroll

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective. This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of ”happily ever after ” must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow.” You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about:

• how you should look and how much you should weigh
• what you should wear and where you should shop
• where you should live or what type of car you should drive
• who you should sleep with and how you should behave
• who you should marry and why you should stay
• the importance of having children or what you owe your family

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK… they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a “perfect 10″ Or a perfect human being for that matter.    So you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare.  And you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that it is truly in giving that we receive and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of “creating” & “contributing” rather than “obtaining ” & “accumulating.”

And you give thanks for the simple things you’ve been blessed with; things that millions of people upon the face of the earth can only dream about a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed and the freedom to pursue your own dreams.

And then you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you’ve learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it’s not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren’t done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that you don’t know all the answers, it’s not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it’s wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet “your ” standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that “alone” does not mean “lonely” and you begin to discover the joy of spending time “with yourself” and “on yourself.” Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self Love. And so, it comes to pass that through understanding your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn’t change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So, you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead. You set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn’t always fair and you don’t always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God… but merely a random act of fate.

And you stop looking for guarantees because you’ve learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you’ll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY… the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. Then a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.